Jan 4, 2010

Self Critics And Me...

One thing that I always have trouble with, is under-estimating myself. I have my days where I honestly believe that becoming a film maker will be a waste of time... that I won't make it further than my first film. No matter how many ideas I have, or the drive to film something I've never tried before.
But there are those days where I think that no matter what, I'm gonna give it a crack anyway. I get inspired when I watch a film, I see a camera move or a sequence that I can't get out of my head, and I know I have to have a crack at it. I love the idea of being a film maker... I'd love to spend the rest of my life making films, working with Australia (and maybe the worlds) best actors and actresses. I know theres work to get there, and I'm far from being there...
Not everybody lives their dreams overnight. I'd love to have the luck that Tarantino and Rodriguez had... Make one indie film and then suddenly become Hollywoods most popular directors. Australia isn't America... but there are those people who make names of themselves by just making a good first film.
Those days that I'm down, the days I just want to give up and walk away... are the days where I honestly believe that I won't be able to hold on long enough to get better. I've spent most of my life trying to grab attention for my creativity... Films, Photography, Art and Graphics... I've tried everything. One might call it 'Finding my calling'... I call it 'trying too hard'.
There are times on these days, where out of the blue someone will turn around and say 'Dan, I believe in you!'. I thank the man who lifts my spirits... I look to him a lot for acceptance of the stuff I do... Jake Rundle. I've never met the man in person, never worked with him, Never even seen the man with my own eyes! But this man is the one who manages to inspire me to continue. Something he said to me just a few weeks ago that I'll never forget: "I like the fact that you're 'always on the ball' and thinking about developing your script, characters and establishing your ambitions as a film-maker - You have the talent and potential to make it"... this man, one I've never met... has managed to stop me from walking away everytime I've thought about it. He's become a close friend, and a rock that keeps me standing.

It makes me wonder: Does every film maker have this moment? Do they all question themselves? "Is it worth all the money... all the time... am I wasting my time? Are people laughing at me for trying?". I know that my main problem, and not just with movie making.. is that I'm to self-judging. I judge myself before anyone else can... hell, I do it for them. I cannot understand why I do this, I never will... but all I need is to seriously believe I can do this, that nothing can stop me... I can only go up, I'm at the lowest point possible. If I could put my mind to studying and learning the film-making techniques... I could get somewhere.
Robert Rodriguez once said "The moment you decide you want to be a film maker, you are one"... I tell everyone that I'm a film maker, 99 percent of them laugh in my face... but there are the few that actually stare at me like "Are you serious?"... I've had the odd few actually question me and request to see my work! Maybe part of me wants the fame... Every film-maker wants to be recognised for his work. But I love telling a story, and with a camera is much easier than with a pen.

I have one piece of advice for anyone who's interested in film making: You're your own worst enemy... You will be the first to judge your work, and if you've got that mindset that you can't do it without..."Name object here"... you'll fail before you start. I'm nowhere, but I have a few short films under my belt... I used what I had at my disposal. I didn't own a camera, so I used a Mobile (Cell) phone. I didn't have any friends, or know any actors... I used my siblings... hell, I even acted myself! Granted, all of the films I've made so far are SHIT, but they've taught be so much... and I know where my expectations are. It all starts with a story, not what you film. Sure... fist-and-gun fights are fun to shoot, but building some half-assed story around a firefight isn't film making. I've been there, I know...
With Story Of A Hitman, I started with a story... the firefights were just part of the final outcome. Without them, my movie would be bad! I've analized my story like a film critic... I know what I want to see myself do, and I know exactly how I want it filmed.

That said, I have this film set out in my head... now all I need is to crack out the confidence and film it exactly the same as I want to.
Self-Critics are their own worst enemy...

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